I wanted to believe my mommy loved her little girl. I told myself, I had the best mommy in the world until I was raped. I blamed myself."Calvin, I know why I do what I do. I'm not sick. I don't lose control. I don't have multiple personalities. Sometimes I have to force myself to become your little girl. I do it to punish myself." But why mommy, why?" My sniffles and whimpers continued. Maybe I still was just a boy."Because I'm evil, and I hated you."I could have been shot with a gun. My tears abandoned me and I was suddenly, terribly concerned for my life. I stepped back."But you're my mommy. You have to love me." No Calvin, I don't. Not even the Bible says a mother has to love her son." She could see me backing away, but she didn't get up from her knees."Then, maybe you're not evil." I reached for a child's logic once more."I never wanted to hurt you Calvin, I wanted to ruin your life. I wanted to turn you into a sexually repressed, walking ghost of a man. That's why I pretended to. Derrick begged Nina to borrow some lipstick from her purse,he said he just had to have lipstick on his lips to look more appealing tomen.With Ronnie as the new leader a vote on whether or not gay Derrick couldstay in the group wasn't necessary since Ronnie knew that only Buzz andJimmy would vote to remove them while Ronnie, Nina, and the two sissy gayswould make 4 votes for them to stay in the group. But more importantly,Ronnie knew that Nina wanted them around, the group was a family to herand she needed it to remain in tact. Ronnie however had a more sinistermotive for wanting the sissy gays to stay in the group. To Ronnie, beingable to see from up close how helplessly effeminate and gay Kurt andDerrick were was exhilarating for him because he knew it was his powerwhich had made it happen.This was a power that had definitely gone to Ronnie's head. As he begandriving the car as the group's new leader, Ronnie found himself glancinginto the backseat at Buzz and he felt a tingling.
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