So to grew my curiousity, fasination and eventually even my willingnes/desire to actually 'experiment' , just a little....with at least some of my many desires. The problem was despite my all consuming curiousity, unquestionable desire, apprearent reckless willingness and (according to my recently hired sex counsler) my deep rooted need to experience first hand, for myself, the many sensations associated with sexual humiliation, I was to embarrassed to even talk about it and had no clue how to (or if I should) attempt to divulge my well kept secret. .It wasnt until I was turned on to cocain that I began to seriously consider and contiplate ways to indulge my sexual cravings. When I was on it, I was not worried about the consequenses of revieling my seceret, as much as I wanted to make it happen. It wasnt until my recent introduction to crack cocain that I learned the reasons why I was effected in the way I was. I discovered that I might suffer from a rear sexual disorder that. So many thoughts are rushing through my head, and so much electricity rushing through my body. Is this right? He’s a teacher for Christ sake! Does that even matter though? I mean, you can be friends with anyone and have a relationship with anyone as long as it’s consensual and legal right? Wait, shouldn’t I be enjoying this? I mean it’s the only thing I ever fantasize about when I’m masturbating and when I’m with him. Yes I like this, I want to go so far with him and I want him to take my body over and set my heart free. Wait, am I kissing right? What if I’m not clean enough? Crap how long have I been just sitting here thinking?! Almost on cue, I feel him pull away and hear him fall back into his chair. Fuck! I didn’t react in time. I slowly open my eyes to see him holding his head and looking down and breathing heavily. And almost as if I’m a fly on the wall I see myself as stiff as a board with my arms at my sides just sitting in my chair. After a minute he looks up and I can see.
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