It's just that seeing her triggers my feelings to a whole different level. Turns it up, like the volume on the television. It's like I love her a little bit all the time, but when I see her, it gets a lot stronger. It scares me sometimes, because I can't even explain it to myself." If you still love her, why don't you want me to tell her?" Because her mom and her therapist think she's better off without me. I think that too. When we are together, I do what I want to do with her. She lets me too, and then I guess we both wind up feeling bad about it. When you love someone, being together should be good for both of you. That isn't how it is with Clara and me. Maybe all I deserve to get are girls like Trudie and Miriam. We don't ever hurt each other, because we only want to use each other. Clara is different to me. When I see her, I want whatever is best for her, but I don't always act on that desire." I'm going to tell you something that Clara told me. Something I promised not to tell. She left post herself a couple of weeks after that. A card from her, postmarked Maui, with a beach scene and a big hand-drawn smiley face on it turned up in my mail one morning after a month or six weeks. I heard later she’d resettled in Colorado where she had family and a job offer from someone she’d met years earlier.On our return that day from the beach house, once past the cordon of police officers at the gate I pulled up in the parking circle at Alejandra’s front door. I got out of the car and came around to help her with her bag. Alejandra climbed out slowly, her exhaustion manifest in the sudden lines around her eyes. We looked at each other for a moment, a very long moment, with rueful affection and the knowledge there was no going back for us.She stepped close and kissed me on the cheek.“Thank you, Michael, for everything.”I knew her farewell kiss on my cheek severed our intimacy as surely as if she had used a knife. There would be no going forward for us, either.Late in the.
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