It is amazing that I haven't lost my mind the way I lost my moral compass in the last 10 months. How effing fragile I've become. How unable to explain why I continue to do this week after week, with no end in sight. People kill themselves over things like this. I wanted to, that first night especially, as the true horror of the situation enveloped me like a death shroud. That's where this account starts: the worst moment of my life. That split second in time that Jonathan had prayed for since the age of eleven, and never believed would come. It was the moment he reached orgasm and ejaculated into his mother's vagina.There, I said it. So much worse than a simple admission of wrongdoing. Let me say it again: Jonathan ejaculated in me at approximately 11: 06 p.m. on the evening of May 27, 2014, the day following his 18th birthday, and one shy of my 32nd. Our shared birthday present, as I've often thought.It's 9:41 p.m. I took an hour away from typing that bit about the birthday. "I liked going to the City, but every week got old." We can always go to the penthouse on occasion." Okay. Great. I can't wait to see you." Me neither," I said."When is the earliest you can get here?" she asked. I told her about the timing of the secretary. "Why don't you come ahead? I'll give you the directions. They're easy. Then your new friend can drive down when she's done. I really can't wait."I agreed and we said our goodbyes and I related the changed plans to the secretary with a quick call, ending with her saying sweetly, "I know how she feels. You could become an expensive habit."I told her we'd figure it out and said goodbye.A few minutes later the phone rang, and the old flapper and I confirmed. "Should I bring cash?" I asked."He'll bill me. Be sure she gets something casual and something dressy. I told the designer, but he can be a bit distracted. Give me her sizes." Once done, she said, "I heard you're coming by next week. I'm glad, but I hoped for a before and after.
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