The incident and the event are real,but only as long as they happen, for memories, also, are unreal.Very well. Let me explain. Perhaps an example will help. My breasts arereal when their weight is in my hands--or yours. They have density, then;they are tangible; they are measurable. Unmistakably, they haveexistence. But, after the moment, when they are no longer held, they arejust ideas, nothing more than memories.Eva, my former love, says I am too philosophical: "too philosophicalfor your own good," she says. (She is not philosophical enough for herown good, I say.)Thom (is it pretentious to include the "h"? I maintain that it is; Thomor Tom insists it is not and tells me that I am a snob.)Only recently, I have begun to consider not only my breasts, but also mytesticles. They generate--or procreate--while my breasts nurture, but wecan't have the latter without the former (and, of course, eggs, which Icannot supply.)Semen is a mystery to me. I understand the science. Once, I could. I quietly closed the door and went back to watch Betts and Drew fighting over a dump truck that neither of them wanted. I just let them go at it.Ellen came out of the kitchen and handed me a glass of wine. “They’re something special, aren’t they?”“Hayden, I don’t know what to do. I’m such a failure as a mother. Sometimes I just want to turn a child or two or three over my knee and beat some sense into them. They’re brother and sister! They should get along with each other,” I cried.My Hayden. He was such a gentle soul. Thank God, Brian, at least, took after him. I’m afraid Betts got much more of her temperament from me. But Hayden, even having grown up on a farm with a stern and demanding father, had become the most kind and patient man I’d ever met. I loved him so much my heart was breaking. It wasn’t only my children I was failing, it was my husband. He wrapped me in his arms as we lay in bed and kissed my chin.“We can hope first grade relieves a little of the pressure,” he said.
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