But there has not been anyone between you, and my ex-fiancée.”“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”I could feel her little hand searching mine, and when I turned to look at her again I could only see sincerity in her gaze. I hoped that my smile didn’t look as forced as it felt on my face.“No, you didn’t really hurt me. That’s history, and what really matters is the future.”I guess I succeeded in my act, since the worried look on her face turned into a smile. But that had hit me much too close to home: I had had no idea that I was still that vulnerable.“What do you mean by the future?”Once again, she managed to surprise me. On the other hand, it was a good thing that she kept me on my toes, since that would help me to stay focused. I looked at her and used my free hand to roll her dark hair round my forefinger.“Depends; but both in the near future and long-term, I had not planned to get that serious in my discussions with you yet.”“Why not?”She certainly wasn’t like the girlfriends. But, still. Fuck it. I was supposed to go first. Remember, I told you I wanted to go first. I’m no good without you Peg. Sounds like a cliché. But it’s true, especially after 36 years. More than three fucking decades. A damned lifetime. All we had, just disappeared in the blink of an eye. All those years spent building a life together. Caring. Hoping. Modest dreams. Shit. Turns out our efforts built nothing more a fucking house of cards. All gone. Replaced with nothingness. Maybe one day I’ll again appreciate what we had. Right now, I just hurt so much. Sorry. That wasn’t very fair. Some kinda man I turned out to be. Just a 58 year-old has-been without a future. Fuck, all married people lose a spouse. Eventually. Some sooner than others. Most everybody else seems to be able to cope. What’s wrong with me? God but it hurts. I glance up at the sky. Huge, dark cumulus clouds block the sun and promise yet another day of relentless rain. The ducks don’t mind at all but the threatening.
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