It wasn't until she turned andwalked to the other side of the bedroom that I started to relax, but Istill kept myself pushed up against the wall, watching her like a hawk.When I saw Rich pushing himself into the wall, a mixture of anger andsorrow washed through me. I could still feel my heart pounding, so Iclosed my eyes to try to calm myself. I realized the adrenaline andprobably a combination of testosterone and my sometimes-intense naturalpersona had led to me exploding like that. With my eyes closed, mefocusing on calming myself, a thought flashed through my mind. I had notfelt that intensity, that feeling of being in control for the lastseveral weeks. At that I realized another aspect of Rich's wishes on ourlives. He had truly been the controlling one recently, but also, Irealized by voluntarily swapping bodies with me, by making me thehusband and him the wife, he had given that back to me. Making merealized how much he must love and trust me to seed that kind of controlto. Her temper burns out quickly, she hugs me and then carries on regardless. Her blushing pink cheeks tear stained, her eyes watery but a smile on those sweet lips, a sparkle back in her eye, a purpose in her steps. I hear the brakes screeching and I know there is something wrong. I fight against the force pulling me away from my darling angel, and pulling on the buggy handle, I force my body over hers. She whimpers as if to cry, I manage to whisper: ‘Hush my darling, mummy is here.’ before I feel the crunch. The bus stopping, the metal ripping and creaking, the screaming and wailing the hot lick of flames and the pain bursting through my back. Death isn’t how I expected it to be. I sit up and feel, well, normal. I open my eyes and look around, I blink and look again. Nothing. Absolutely nothing, sheer black, no hazy spots, no stars, no zinging colours like you experience when you close your eyes to sleep. Nope just nothing. I think I should be panicking. I remember what it is like to.
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