He was holding my hand as we sat facing each other on the couch. Except for the occasional glance up, he couldn’t bring his eyes to meet mine, leaving them instead to watch his hand cover mine and hold it tightly. We sat in silence for a while, before he squeezed my hand and thanked me for sharing, saying how incredible it made him feel that I would share something so personal with him. When he left shortly after, I didn’t know what to do but crawl into bed, my eyes blurred by the tears forming in them. It wasn’t rejection, but it definitely wasn’t reciprocation. We hardly talked in the days between then and the summer party, but he was quick to pull me aside and catch up once he saw me walk into the house. It was obvious he was intoxicated, and for the first time, I felt awkward talking to him. Maybe it was because it was clear he was avoiding the massive elephant in the room that was my ‘coming out,’ maybe it was just the natural outcome of me realizing I wanted more in our. Back in the old days the order never was short aspirants and supplies, the number of deaths and persons leaving is greater than the persons joining the order since at least 20 years. According to the scriptures of the order it lost over 400 men in those twenty years, and only 184 joined the ranks.The sun stands just over the horizon, lights the towers and walls of the white mountain, while the courtyard still is dark three men gather with wooden training swords in their hand. They were just old enough to be called "men", all of them only a couple of years over their 18th fulfilled year of life.They are this years aspirants.With their swords ready to draw, they were all looking towards a small entry into the mountain-castle.As they were observing the passage, a faint sound echoed from within the darkness of the inner halls.A old looking man shrouded in a large cloak joined the stage.While some of the guardsmen on the walls were watching the spectacle the old man was heading straight.
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