I told him I was having confusing and conflicting urges towards men and women and didn’t know what it meant. He told me about his own struggle to find himself and how hard it was to come out. He gave me a lot of good advice that day.Weeks went by where nothing changed for me. I just couldn’t get the thoughts out of my mind. “What would it feel like? Would I like it? Does it hurt? What if I am gay?” All those questions ran through my head daily. I was tired of wondering and I wanted to find out.One night while Josh and I were both in the room working on school work, I broke the ice and stated chatting with Josh. Nothing in particular, but it got us talking and focus away from the term papers on our computer screens. Then I went for it, I started talking about sex. I asked Josh what it was like his first time. When he was done with his story, I moved my desk chair closer to his and leaned in and kissed him. I KISSED A GUY! That was a sentence I once thought I would never say. Josh. So I started on a pile of old magazines at one end of the front room and took it from there. Most of them were porn — the old goat had apparently kept every dirty book he had ever bought, even desperately tame stuff (by modern standards) from forty years ago. I dreaded that I might accidentally throw away some vital clue about FUCK so I checked everything thoroughly before discarding it, and this made progress slow. I carefully kept all scientific periodicals whether or not they appeared to be relevant to Uncle Albert's work; some of the astronomical stuff he had probably bought merely out of interest, but you never knew.I also powered up his home computer and spent a frustrating half hour trying to find the password. Knowing the man, I felt sure it would be some crude sexual obscenity and I tried plenty, but without success.Finally I called it a day and went home, feeling hot, sweaty, dusty and fed up.It was a fairly typical home evening, differing from the night before only in that.
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