Not that I’m complaining.“Holy shit,” I said out loud. I got up from my bed and locked the door; I knew I was going against my mom’s rules, but at that point I didn’t care.By the time I got back to my bed, a Skype call was already coming through. I picked up as fast as I could, and I got treated to a live image of Chad. “Hello, sexy,” he said.“Wow,” I said, “you look so hot right now.”“Well, I was thinking of you,” he said, “and since you can’t be here in person, I went for the next-best thing.” He patted the base of his dildo; the rest of it was still inside him.I couldn’t help touching myself. “Don’t let me stop you,” I said.“You’re not. I was just watching porn on my phone... this is way better.” He waved his finger at me. “How about you take those clothes off and join me?”I positioned my phone against my pillow. Then I stood up and unzipped my hoodie.“Go slow,” he said. “I want to have fun with this.”I pulled off my hoodie, and I twirled it around like I was doing a. I was inconsolable.The days and weeks that followed were almost unbearable. I don't knowhow you can be in such pain and still carry on, but you do. After afashion. The world seemed grey and tasteless with you gone, as if allthe joy had been sucked out of it, and I moved through it like aphantom. People were sympathetic, but anything more than a simple "I'msorry for your loss" was too much for me to cope with. Everything justhurt too much. At first, I couldn't bear to look at my reflection, knowing that every time I did I'd see you there, the ghost in themirror, reminding me what I'd lost. Later, I swung to the oppositeextreme. They say your body is a temple; well, mine became a shrine. Iwould spend hours at the dressing table meticulously doing my hair,make-up, and clothing in as precise a copy of how you did it as I couldmanage. I got very good at it. It was as if, in my pain and sorrow, Iwas somehow trying to recreate you with skirts, heels, lipstick, andpowder, unconsciously.
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