Are you fucking kidding me?! Holy fucking shitballs. MOM?! What was she doing home? Hadn't she gone to Grandma's for the day? Covered in sweat, I glanced wide-eyed at my bedside clock. What the heck? She wasn't due back for at least another hour or so. More than enough time for me to strangle the turkey again to help ease that pesky ache in my nuts that had been bothering me for a week now. An ache that would only go away if I emptied the old coconuts at least three times a day.Suddenly, I heard the familiar THUD THUD THUD of someone coming up the stairs and I started to freak the fuck out just as my spunk slithered up my rock hard pipe. Oh, fuck a duck, Dude. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. Abandon fucking ship. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and all that stuff.Groaning in frustration as I wriggled around like a beached whale, I tried to sit up wondering what the fuck I was going to do. NO FUCKING WAY could I let my Mom see me tossing off Captain Beefstick just as he fired a load of. Why me?” If I told her why, it was gonna make things awkward. Then again, being drunk and high might help things. “When you handed the money to pay for the beer and the candy bar, our hands brushed together. I felt this violent shiver run up my spine. I had this feeling like I couldn't let you get away. It was like an out of body experience really.” Ellie just stared at me for a good long moment before she finally broke the silence. “That’s really romantic, Mark. Are you in love with me or something?” a giant smile spread across her face. “I’m getting there, I’m close.” “Are you sure that’s not the beer and weed talking?” “Pretty sure. So, why did you come with me? Were you scared?” “Well, you started stuffing cash into my purse, I didn't have much of a choice. Plus, I thought you cute. Kinda like a lost puppy. I really don’t regret anything that’s happened so far. It’s been the best time of my life.” “I really dig you.” Real smooth there buddy. “Ha, I dig you too.” You know how in.
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