⦁ Years later, I found the photographs she made. I remember her telling my mom about "Manet" and Olympia". By that time, I wanted boys, I wanted girls and by the time I was f******n, I wasn't staying home and wishing and hoping about it. I was giving boys blow-jobs, I was having sex with Rachel or any other girl who wanted to play. I never could get this to make sense with the feminist stuff I had learned at an early age, it confused me, and later, when I discovered that I liked, and sometimes, needed to be abused and humiliated as part of sex, I couldn't make sense of that at all. I had always hoped I would be able to talk to my grandmother about it, nothing fazed her, but by the time I needed to talk to her about the serious stuff, she was gone into what they now call Alzheimer's. I loved and trusted my mom, but I couldn't find a way to bring all this twisted, crazy stuff about my personality up with her. I just knew what I wanted, so I followed that path as well as I could, without. As we were walking Amanda said she had a question for me, so I told her go ahead. “ Will you go out with me?” she asked. At this exact moment I had two thoughts in my head that I will repeat verbatim. #1: WOO HOO!!!! as I did a mental fist pump. # 2: I can't, she is only 15 and it's wrong. What I said was hell yes. And thus began the best and worse relationship I ever had. I knew it was wrong to be with her but at the same time I was so into her that it didn't register. We were inseparable but didn't do anything other than make out once in a while for the first few months instead of just jumping in bed and I was just fine with that. I was really and honestly in love for the first time ever. Jump to Christmas 5 months later, we are visiting her grandmother for the holiday and I am introduced as a co worker of her step dad. The only people that know we are together besides us are Brian and her parents who gave their blessing after a looooong talk and fatherly threat about.
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