Then I tried to get out of the dress. Tom was the only one awake to help.It took forever to get that zipper down, inch by arm wrenching inch.++So that was dress up night. Rachael had fun, Tom and Susan didn't seem tomind a nice dinner and I was lost in limbo, weightless and withoutdirection other than a strong urge to somehow turn into Bethany Hannover.That's what it seemed like anyway. Of course all the attention wasfocused on Rachael but so much spilled over onto me that it was difficultto think sometimes. Everyone would turn to me suddenly to fix a problem oranswer a question: What's in the stew? Where's my clean socks? There'sbeen a spill! After years of doctors, nurses and social workers talking atme or about me as if I weren't there, it was like I was becoming visiblyand useful for the first time. Heady stuff.The clothes (and Beth's breasts) became an obsession. Rachael's newinterest fuel the fire of course and also gave me an excuse for almost anykind of girly adventure. I. I don't know what I am, or what I want to be.December 19, 11My beard is pretty scraggly, and Mary hates it. Doc thinks I look silly - the bushy beard and big tits. Mary wants me clean-shaven, and Doc says it would be less embarrassing to pass myself as a woman as to be an over-manly man with big tits. I won't shave. I won't try to pass myself off as a woman again. It's too feminine. I need to be a man, even if I have jugs. Doc wondered if my hostility was because I was angry with myself. She thinks I really love having tits and being feminine, but I wont admit it to myself. January 5, 12I've been pretty dedicated to my martial arts class lately. The class is just for guys like me, with boobs. It works better that way. Doc thinks I need to socialize more, and that hiding with other guys is ultimately bad. I noticed that guys are talking about boobs and bras the way Mary does - like girls. It's so confusing, like everything is changing and it's a wild ride. Doc said she.
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