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Ben’s enlistment was winding down, and his next deployment, as I said, was supposed to be his last. And it was, I guess. If you had thrust your hand into my chest by brute force and just ripped my heart out, that would have hurt less than what I felt when I learned Ben was gone. All of a sudden, I was a twenty-five-year-old widow. For weeks I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Even now at times and without warning my chest will tighten, my lungs stop working, and the enormous hole inside me overwhelms everything. So here I am, alone in a queen-sized bed made for two. I have my blankets on (and nothing else), and like Ishmael, I feel warm on this cold night. But that doesn’t cancel out the aching emptiness that never seems to leave me anymore. I have stacked up three or four pillows so I’m kind of sitting up. Thinking maybe it’s time to reread Moby Dick, because…why not? After a few chapters, sleep is lapping up over my consciousness like waves on a, particularly, peaceful shore. The. She steps carefully until she finds a spot where she can see clearly, but stay concealed in the darkness.Her wine poured, she pulls a small knife from the bag and stabs the tip of her middle finger, letting the blood drip into the bowl. From a leather pouch, she adds a fat pinch of powder, then stirs it with the wounded finger, her eyes closed and head tilted back to the heavens. She stops with a groan, as a gust of wind pulses across the square, tousling her hair and rippling the blanket. She lifts the bowl with both hands and takes a drink, then a second. Putting the bowl back, she sits upright between her feet, her knees spread to shoulder width, her hands resting loosely up on her white thighs.The woman stares at the figure posing close-eyed and statue-like before her. The flickering firelight is strong enough to make out her thin body, her small breasts and narrow hips, the dusting of hair above her sex. 'Perhaps,' she thinks to herself, 'this is just some personal meditation.
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