I took a bird back to mine for sex last night. After some complaints for the first five minutes like,”Stop, you’re too big!” And,”Please No, you’re really hurting me now!” The fat cow eventually rolled off me and let me go on top.As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, “Can you not just go out and have a couple of fucking drinks?”“Of course I can,” I replied, standing back up. “Just let me get my coat.When my precious little dog fell in the river Mersey, a German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved him.Upon getting back on the pier, he checked my puppy out and said, “Ze dog is ok, he vill be fine.”Out of curiosity I asked, “Are you a vet?”He replied, “Vet? I’m fuken soaked!I have realised I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out ... the way to get to Sesame Street ... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps ... why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery” ... why women. I thought it tasted like how pissmust taste. "This is awful!" I choked out."Well, if you want, we can hit the hard stuff in the liquor cabinet. My momwill never know it's missing. Hey, you'd probably like Peppermint Schnapps,I'll get you some."Just a few minutes later, there were two shots of hard liquor sitting infront of us. Todd wanted us both to drink the shots at the same time. Iheld my breath, and took the shot. It felt like fire going down my throatand I thought I was going to puke. But then, I started to taste thepeppermint, and it wasn't as bad. I was pretty much done in at thatpoint. Several shots later, we moved up to Jack Daniel's. I was alreadyfeeling the effects, and the Jack Daniel's just sort of pushed me over. Iwas drunk, flat out drunk. Todd was in about the same position. We werelaughing and giggling and having a great time. Then, Todd started talkingabout how horny he was."Fuck, I'm horny! Let's invite some chicks over."How on Earth he planned to get any girls.
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