"Mummy, it was..." Yes, yes dear, I know who it was. I must go to him."Sally's eyes prickled with tears as she saw her mother dressing in her best dress, applying a little powder to her cheeks from her old and treasured compact, a brush of pale lipstick, a hint of her father's favourite perfume to her throat and wrists."Mother, we must hurry - they said to come soon." Sally I must look nice for him. It's quite all right. He will wait for me. Please don't fret."Sally wondered at her mother. She knew and her mother knew that her father was deeply sedated. That he would never waken. That he would never see her again. And yet she was taking this time when time was now so short. She felt a flash of irritation. Why were old people so STUBBORN?Having at last adjusted her (now dreadfully out-of-date) hat her mother was finally ready. Sally took her by the arm, helped support her arthritically painful walk, and guided her out of the house, locking the door behind her. She eased her mother into. This was his transformative moment, like a liminal being; a phoenix set aflame and resurrected from its ashes. I knew that he couldn’t help himself. I was the only one who could help him. I had encouraged him to open Pandora’s Box, and now that he had… we couldn’t go back. “Oh my God!” The woman moaned. “I’m so fuckin’ close!” Jay grabbed a fistful of her locks and tugged it back aggressively, making her cry out in pain. He wasn’t the gentle, sweet lover who held me in his arms at night, kissing me until I’d beg him to give his body to me. And even when he’d finally surrender and satisfy my desires, he wouldn’t have sex with me like this. He couldn’t. I had tried to connect with his darkest half, become best friends with him, offer my body to him as a sexual sacrifice, but he just couldn’t allow himself to go there with me. Jay was perfectly capable of disassociating love and sex—that woman he was fucking was a prime example. He wasn’t able to disconnect himself with me. He loved me.
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