They walk over to me, smiling in that secret satisfied way men have when they think they’re about to discover a shortcut to the land of intercourse and I try not to shudder away from them. They buy me a drink, we talk for ten, maybe twenty minutes. After awhile they leave. They don’t come back. I drink my drink. I like them rough, I want to taste the sharp, mind-numbing tang of the alcohol, feel the burn as it slides down my throat and into my belly. I prefer the dark liquors, the oak and smoke of whiskey, the exotic, desert wind taste of tequila. I’ve got three or four drinks in me by now and my buzz is starting to edge over into drunkenness. I feel looser now, less anxious about my surroundings. The feeling of being hemmed in by hundreds of warm bodies sometimes frightens me, makes me feel short of breath, but after coming here every weekend for months on end, the fear has for the most part left me. The first time I came here I had to leave only a few minutes later, shocked by the. . well, fuck if I understood anything about him. By the time he was gone, I didn't even understand what we'd been arguing about. Only, I had a feeling that Aaron leaving had more to do with Luke and less to do with me. After all, everything had seemed almost normal before I brought Luke's name up.I went back inside, feeling drained again as I thought over what had just happened. Maybe Aaron didn't like the idea of me knowing that he and Luke had been a couple. Maybe he felt as weird about me knowing as I did. I mean, I had to admit that the fact Luke and Aaron had been together was another negative when it came to the question of whether or not I wanted to get involved with him. It sort of just made things weirder. So, maybe it was a good thing that Aaron had left and I had no idea whether or not I was ever going to see him again. I just wished that the thought didn't bother me so much.... I shifted uncomfortably in my seat across from Eddie, staring down at the loaded chicken salad.
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