I need you to be there. We’d long talked of you taking a whip to my naked flesh. I’d become obsessed. I’d devoured de Sade, Sacher-Mashoch, the Story of O. We’d discussed it often, when dressed in the lives we showed to outsiders: the Starbucks-domestic world which for want of a better word I’d describe as normal. You were intrigued, but reluctant to hurt me. But could tell from the rhythm of your voice, and the dark glint in your beautiful eyes that the threshold would be crossed. There’s pain, and pain, and you are the only person, my love, who will ever earn the trust that allows it to be administered to me. The ache in my nipples is starting to tell. I try to keep as still as possible to prevent the weights from moving, but the cool breeze from the window causes them to swing in a minute arc. Every oscillation shoots pleasure-pain to my core, and causes my sex to respond and flower. I’m straining to hear what you’re doing. I’m anticipating. ‘Six. You count them. Aloud.’ you say.. But I had to keep quiet and never admit my thoughts. I know Iwas not supposed to think that way. "Boys are not supposed to bebrides."Every wedding I attended I'd watch the bride to see what she wore andwonder how she felt. What dress did she pick? Why did she select it? Howdid it fit her body? What did she wear under her dress? How did it makeher feel? Oh how I wanted to to be her, to take her place as the bride -the center of attention. As I got older, I'd take the opportunity togreet brides at weddings, give them a hug, or even if lucky, dance withthem so I could see the dress up close and feel the dress on her bodyall the while wondering how she must feel to wear something so prettyand wondering what she might be wearing wear under her dress.Then one day I found out my older sister was getting married. I love myolder sister dearly, but at the same time after hearing the news, Ihated her. I was so jealous of her. I pretended to be happy for her butat the same time I was jealous.
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