After the usual pleasantries, Lieber wrote:In the course of examining our files on your account, I took the liberty of going through some of the earlier material we have. I discovered some material I think is of some importance, and I discussed it with Herr Rebus who was involved with your files at the time of your husband's death.I found, mixed in your late husband's papers and some other notes, a sheet of memo paper with a handwritten message of disturbing content. I also found two audio tapes of the type used in answering machines. After consulting with Herr Rebus, we listened to both tapes. One was certainly the one that was in the machine when Herr Brechstein died. We were astonished to find that the message Herr Brechstein left on the tape was identical with the handwritten message we also found. We were unable to imagine why he might have written such a message before recording it.In addition, the other audio tape had messages on it that were date-stamped immediately prior to. OK – if it's real rocking, then maybe this was a boat. I'd been on a boat before – walking was just a matter of timing your steps to the rocking.The small door behind me looked like a bathroom door, and it was. I didn't turn on the light – bathrooms have mirrors, and I desperately didn't want to see myself. I fumbled for the toilet seat, lifted it, undid my jeans, and pushed them down. Steadying myself on the wall, I sat, and let flow.My pee smelled and stung. I peed a lot. Dehydration. Drink water dummy.And then I was like, Why? I was supposed to be dead. Peace and quiet and dead. Why couldn't I be dead? I couldn't even kill myself successfully, not even with pills and a bridge to jump off of. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. I felt tears tickle the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want anything. What I wanted was nothing, or really, nothingness. I just wanted everything to be over.Sniffling, I wiped, pulled up my pants, flushed, and turned to the sink. Dixie cups, in a little.
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