I do." I did, butsomehow it didn't help. "I hope I do." Well, remember it. Now a terribly painful question, baby! Please, tell me the truth! This sorrow. This humiliation. Wouldit be a sweet sorrow? An eager humiliation? A satisfying agony? Maybe you'd feel ashamed that you couldn't keep me, couldn't keepthe woman you love, and maybe you'd also feel somehow glad that I'dfound someone better? Because that's what you want for me? Isthat it so far?"'Because that's what I want for her'? Talk about a trick question? But it was true. And honorably true. I did love her. She doesdeserve the best. The better man should win!"I guess," I said as we both lay back on our pillows. Now I wasstaring at the ceiling. "Yes." So the more I fucked him the more justified you'd feel that you'dgiven me up to him?" Her voice was now inquiring carefully. "You'd be humiliated that you weren't man enough for me, but alsoglad for me, that I'm better off, better fucked?"I was silent. Masturbation was my only peace.I was keeping my obsession a secret from my parents as well as others, but I knew sooner or later that it would become known. My greatest fear was how to handle the revelation, and I didn't have a clue. I thought Mom would be hurt and Dad might never speak to me again, but try as I might I could not rid myself of my innermost thoughts and feelings about women.I went to school as usual the following Monday morning, and as the day progressed I judged it to be entirely normal. The Volleyball team had lost their match, so a trip to Regionals was out. The cheerleaders were busy hanging posters for the Pep Rally; there was a football game coming up on Friday. At lunch, Curt and Ursula left early and Jason and Andrea wandered out to the quad to sneak a kiss or two before class. I was alone at the table when someone with a vaguely familiar face from the showers on Friday walked up and sat down."Mind if I sit here?" she asked."I guess not," I said.She began.
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