. I did my best... I only missed a little bit... " We're not talking about that," Paul said. I didn't know what it could be, but then Paul pointed down and I saw it. Somehow, while Tommy was peeing in my mouth, I'd peed in the bath. I watched the last of it go down the drain. I knew that they were annoyed that they'd missed the show.Paul said, "Your Mum will be home soon, but don't think you won't be punished for this." Please... " Unless you want us to leave your knickers lying around for her to find... " No, please don't do that. I deserve to be punished. You can do it tomorrow, when I get home from work, if Mum's not here. Or I can let you watch me pee."We heard the car pull into the driveway. Paul and Tommy hurried out and ran into their room, and I ran into the spare room and threw on some clothes and then I realized my hair was still damp from my cold shower, so I grabbed a towel and started to dry it. I would have just pretended to be asleep, except the lights and the TV were. I could almost hear my mother telling me to stop crying before my eyes froze shut, but I wanted them to be frozen. I wanted everything to be frozen so I could stop feeling. I didn’t want to feel the pain or rejection anymore and I had nobody to turn to. ‘She’ had made sure of that over the years, cutting me off from family and friends as I ignorantly followed like an obedient pup. This wasn’t the way I planned on spending my life when we first got together. I thought we would take care of and love each other, but after 20 years it finally dawned on me that the only one doing the thoughtful things was me for ‘her’ and when I finally stood up for myself she told me to ‘get the fuck out’. I had no voice and was painfully aware of the fact when I went back the first time, working hard for the past two years to keep her happy, but in keeping her happy I seemed to be losing more of myself. It was Christmas and I was about to be a homeless old lady and there was only one thing I could do if.
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